You just started seeing this new chick, and by “see” I mean, “You met at a bar last night and after 12 margaritas between the two of you, she slept over at your place.” The alcohol has worn off at this point, and all you want to do is get her out of your apartment. But how? And, uh-oh, it looks like she is putting down roots! So, what can you do? Don’t you worry friend, I’ve collected sure-fire signs that she’s in it for the long haul and combined that list with ways to eject ASAP. She...
...Brought a Toothbrush
It’s definitely a bad sign if she keeps a toothbrush in her purse. That means she’s going to brush and then come back to bed in order to...cuddle? She obviously doesn’t want bad breath for that. Not a good sign!
...Tells You There’s Nothing In Your Fridge
This means she was going to have breakfast at your place. Now she’s going to want to have some at the diner around the corner, meaning you'll have to pay for it.
...Makes a Comment About a Picture in Your Living Room
If she’s looking at pictures it means she's trying to picture herself as a part of your life. This is NOT part of the plan.
...Asks If She Can Take a Shower
If she was planning on going home right away, she wouldn't need to shower. I mean, she's got her 16 bottles of shampoo and conditioner at her place. Nope, she wants to smell good FOR YOU. TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU.
Okay, you’ve seen the signs. Now how to combat them?
...Tell Her Your Wife is Going to Be Home Soon
You see, she’s a doctor and she was working the night shift. It may be a little unethical, but it will sure as heck works. That girl is going to be making a hungover-woman-shaped hole in the front door as she zips away.
...Tell Her She’s Got Cute Feet
Then you stare. She’s going to think you are a foot guy. This will creep her out. If you continue to stare and then lick your lips, she will eject herself from your life right quick.
...Say She Acts Like Her Mother
She’ll want to know how you even know her mother. Be strong, don’t say A WORD. She will be confused, angry, and creeped out all at once. She will leave.
...Pretend to be a Ghost
You’ve been cursed to wander the earth until you finally lose your virginity. She helped you with that and now you must pass on. But not with her in the apartment. That would just be uncomfortable. As she leaves, she’ll probably comment on how surprisingly good you were for being a first-timer.